In my midst thirties, it dawned on me that if I did not change something deep in my life I would become sick with a serious illness.

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I had a family, a career and the everyday tasks to accomplish. I had a life.

 

But I was not alive.

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I lived my life through logic. I had a heart that was pounding blood into my system to keep me living. I was not listening to the beating of my being. I was a human without the being.

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In my twenties, I went to conventional psychological therapy. There I learned that I had been a very sensitive child, and in order to cope with my childhood and later puberty circumstances, I created a defense mechanism to help me cope with the feelings that were threatening to drown me. The defense mechanism created an invisible wall around me, protecting me from the helplessness and hopelessness I felt.

 

As an adult, I no longer needed my childhood defense walls.  I found out that it turned from a wonderful protective world into a prison cell with a very small window to look from my inside to the outside world.  I was allowed only a very small place within me to feel.  I was a prisoner within myself.

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My years at therapy helped to understand the reason for creating my defense mechanism. I went deeper into the "why" and the "what" and the "when".  I felt that I was ready to live my life differently, and it was decided that it was time to end my therapy period.

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But something was not happening despite all my years at therapy and despite my understanding. I looked at the colors around me but could not see them. I heard laugher but could not listen to the tunes. I smiled but it was only my lips moving. I could feel life only in grey or white or black. I looked at a field of flowers but could not enjoy them.

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I was still living in my protective, deep, boring, frustrating inner prison cell. Years of therapy made me a more aware prisoner. But I was still a prisoner. I did not release myself from my inner cell. I had to find someone to help me release myself from the cell.

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I knew that going back to conventional therapy would not be the solution this time. I had to find a new method that would bypass my logic. Logic was my great friend for many years, but it was time to work differently in order to step out of the cell.

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I returned to transcendental meditation, a technique I learned when I was in high-school. It helped me cope in the past with stress. This time it did not feel like the relevant solution.

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There is a famous proverb: "When the student is ready, the TEACHER appears". I was walking one day in a neighborhood thinking that something in my life must change, and that I cannot go on living like this. And then I saw the note about a healer. It mentioned  various methods which I did not understand, but I was in an intersection in my life that I was willing to try anything. 

 

Anything to help me feel differently. I had nothing to lose.

I sat across from her and told her how I felt. On the one hand, it reminded me of my sessions with my therapist.  But on the other hand, in addition to speaking, she also used unconventional methods.  Methods that did not correlate with my logic. I had to accept that I would not be able to understand and let go of the logic.

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During one of our initial meetings, she took a little instrument and made strange musical notes. My logical inner voice screamed:  you are in a room with a lunatic. But as the musical notes continued, something inside me calmed down. I felt a bird flying around me. It was an imaginary bird. I felt happiness and freedom.  I felt different. I felt hope.  

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I went home after that session feeling that I had undergone an inner earthquake. I had undergone a session that was anything but logical and explanatory. It was against anything that I knew or believed. And yet, for a brief moment I felt that I had left my inner prison cell and felt freedom and happiness that were lacking in my life. It has nothing to do with logic. All I knew was that I wanted to go back.

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This woman opened me to a world beyond the safe walls of logic. She introduced me to a terminology that was not part of my life, and I am grateful to her.

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However, after a while, it was clear to both of us that it was time to depart as I was not releasing my fears, my uncertainties and my need for control. Instead of getting better, I felt worse. Instead of the initial hope, I felt despair, and was thinking of taking anti-depressants. I was angry at her for leaving me in such a state.

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I was at my very pit of my inner cell. I woke up every day with a dark cloud of despair around me and waited to go to sleep – only to have nightmares. I was willing to try anything before starting medication.

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There is a famous Buddhist proverb: "When the student is ready, the MASTER appears". A friend, knowing my desperate state, told me she had met a master healer at a conference. I had nothing to lose. Nothing. I was lost within myself.

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Over a decade ago, I went to my master healer. She saved my life. She saved me from myself.  She helped me not only to leave my inner cell but to turn it from a small and neglected place into a beautiful castle. A castle that is always open to the unknown. A castle that is in the past, in the present and in the future.

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A castle that has opened me to my true vocation – helping women connect to their fertility.